Steve Andreas – Responding to Criticism (1988)
Description
One of the fundamental premises of NLP is that “there is no such thing as failure, there is only feedback.” This is a good idea, and it points in a very useful direction. For most people, however, this is just a cute offer that doesn’t automatically change their experience or reaction. Most people (approximately 70%) respond to criticism with immediate suppression of bad feelings. Then they try to get out of the emotional hole they just dug for themselves by rationalizing, trying to get a good state, trying to be objective, etc. Since they are already in a bad state, usually none of these attempts work very well. And since most of their efforts are aimed at restoring good health, they tend not to properly use the feedback from the criticism. If they do use this information, it is usually much later. On the other hand, some people (perhaps 20%) respond to criticism by simply rejecting it. They defend themselves against any bad feelings, but they also don’t allow themselves to even think about whether any part of the criticism they receive is valid or helpful feedback. The third group (less than 10%) can listen to criticism without feeling bad right away. They can also carefully consider whether the criticism contains useful information and use this feedback in a productive way to change their future behavior. Of course, these three groups are not rigid categories. You can probably find an example of each of these different reactions in your own life, depending on your state of mind, context, critic, frame, etc. Most of us sometimes fall into a bad state when we react unpleasantly to the most innocuous comment. Most of us also have moments when we are in such good shape that no matter how harshly we are criticized, we may just take it as interesting information. A few years ago, we became interested in the internal structure that allowed “experts” to respond well to criticism, to do so with such ease. We’ve modeled a number of people who tend to respond very well to criticism in a useful way. While there is. small variations, they all use the same basic internal process, and this strategy can be easily and quickly taught to others. Example (The following entry is edited from a video footage of Steve showing how to establish this strategy in Karl, a participant in one of our certification trainings for practitioners in January 1987. This demo and some additional discussions are available on videotape.
Steve: We will do two things when I demonstrate this. First, I’m going to demonstrate the installation of the strategy itself, as well as the passage of various forks of the strategy, and so on. Another thing I’m going to do is demonstrate a hidden way of setting a strategy, and this is done in a dissociated state. And it will be a kind of journey for you, Karl, because you are not that strong at dissociation, are you? Karl: Um, no, I like doing dissociation. Steve: can you do it? (Umm.) Good. A great. So I want you to see Karl here in some kind of situation where someone can give him some kind of feedback that could be construed as criticism. You just look at this, okay? (Karl leans back slightly.) That’s it! That’s better. Good. You can see him as far away as you want. You can put a sheet of plexiglass here if you like. (Karl smiles and nods.) Oh, you like that, don’t you? Okay, good. And I want you to stay in this dissociated state. What you are going to do is watch him go through this strategy. This way you will just be an observer, and your function as an observer is to mark at any time if there is any problem with it. Then you let me know about it, and then we can do something to fix everything. (OK.) Okay, great. So you just watch it. And another way of framing it for people is that we’re just going to try it here, and we’re not going to put it into it until it’s all done, and that’s totally okay here; we’re not going to do anything with it here. Now, in a way, it’s a bit of a scam. But this is a really useful scam with some people who are really careful, “Nnnehh, don’t mess with my brain” or something like that. In a sense, it is true that it will not be installed until some environmental issues are resolved. So this is partly true. However, when you see yourself here going through it, you are also learning from the metaphor of yourself within. So it is you who will learn a new way of responding to criticism, because I think you are not too happy with what you have right now. It’s true? Karl: (shaking his head) No way, Jose. I do not like this. Steve: good. So look at it there and in a moment someone else will say something that can be interpreted as criticism. And what he’s going to do is something very, very important. He is going to distance himself from criticism. So you will watch him— (Karl: Dissociate while I dissociate.) As long as you are dissociated, right. (Oh, OK.) Steve: It’s kind of like a phobia procedure where you have three dissociation sites and the function is the same. So someone is going to say something to Karl. And you can just think of someone to come up and tell him. And this Karl there is going to somehow keep it away, (okay.) Until he has a chance to fully appreciate it. There are now several ways he can do this. He can hear words and imagine them printed in space at arm’s length. Or he can listen to them, but from a distance. (OK.) And he can do it in several different ways, and you can just watch and see how he does it. So, watch him when he hears criticism. And this is a kind of criticism addressed to him. And he will keep them at arm’s length. He will remain separated from her. And he’s going to then make a picture, whatever that criticism is, preferably a film. So he’s going to make a dissociated view of criticism. (Okay.) And then he’s going to compare this film to any better information he has about the same situation. It’s clear? (Yes OK. Rate it and say, “Well, does it make sense?” Is there some way for him to figure this out? Now that you watch him do it, Could he make some insight into it? Does it make sense that someone could say this about him?
Karl: It makes a lot of sense. Okay, that makes a lot of sense. At this point, I want you to watch him decide what answer he wants to make to this information. Because if it makes sense, it means it’s good information that he didn’t have before, right? (Yes.) So he can say “thank you” or “boy, I’m glad you brought this to my attention. I’ll see what I can do about it. ”Or whatever. Karl: he no longer feels like shit inside. I mean … (laughter). This is a good plan. Karl: I just feel so much better. OK. And now it will be easier for him to make good use of any information, because he doesn’t feel like shit inside, right? Karl: Exactly! Correctly. It is much easier for him to be objective in this matter. Exactly. By the way, this is what “objectivity” is. “Objective” means that you are dissociated. So when you observe him, I want you to notice that he goes through the process of deciding what reaction is appropriate in a given situation. , in terms of what he might do differently in the future; some changes he might decide, what he wants to go through, or anything else that would be appropriate, a helpful answer to this information that only what was given to him … and now let him really do it if it is appropriate to do it now and respond to it. Someone criticized him, right? So if there is a suitable reaction to this person, for example: “Thank you, that brought it to my attention, ”or“ boy, I screwed up, ”or Karl: Yes! This is exactly what he did. He thanks the person! This is something new, right? Instead of knocking him out. Karl: Yes. He had never thanked him before. In the past, it was not so much anger towards the person, it was just anger towards himself (Okay, okay), and he shouldn’t be angry with himself anymore. He can take it as training. A great. And when he completes this interaction with this person, I want you to watch him as he takes time to do something different in the future. So he made some decisions about what he missed, or he didn’t notice, or he was careless, or whatever it was. (Right.) How can he change his behavior in the future? He may have to decide first how to behave. What is he going to do differently in the future when you watch him in the future – so he goes through deciding when and where he wants to be different, and how specifically. You can quickly look at some of the old answers, or use a “new behavior generator” or whatever. OK. Has he already made this change? (Yes OK. Karl: Indeed, yes. He does not feel inner tension. He’s glad it all happened in the first place because he learns from it. Is this a little different from your past experiences? Karl: He has never experienced this in his life. Never! Sounds like that, doesn’t it? (laughter) Looks like he just saw an angel come down from heaven! Karl: It’s best, you know, and the context is family-related, and – he just didn’t have an easy time with the family before, but it’s just – I mean, he really smiles. OK. I would like you to watch a different scenario, a little different. So, you see him here again, and no one is around yet. (Okay.) And this time someone is going to come up and either give some very vague criticism, like “you’re a skunk,” or “you’re a turkey,” or something, so he should actually stop and pick up information – because he hears “You are a turkey,” and he takes a picture of a turkey, and he takes a picture of himself, and they don’t match, right? (laughter) so he has to collect information like, “Well, can you tell me more? How, in particular, am I a turkey? ” or something else, until he receives the information: “what is this person really commenting on?” Karl: “what are they trying to tell him?” “What are they trying to tell him?” And he can do it quite politely, neutral, because he is fair.
Karl: He can dissociate. Disconnect. And he just wants information. And when he gets enough information to make a movie about what is bothering this person, then he can go through it again. … So, does his time around coincide or not? Karl: after what they told him? After they gave him some details, is there any overlap … a little? Karl: Yes. It was more of a joke than anything else. But he probably wouldn’t have known this if he hadn’t asked questions. – How specific am I a turkey? (laughter) In the past, he probably wouldn’t have doubted it. He would just think, “Yes, I’m a turkey.” Either that, or “Fuck you, you’re a turkey too.” Correctly. Fuck you, okay. Now watch him as he goes through this process of deciding how to react to this person again. You may have already done this. And then in the future, is there some way he wants to behave differently? Is there anything useful? And sometimes, if it’s just a game, it might just be a joke back and forth, and it doesn’t matter, and there really isn’t any incentive to change behavior …. Ok, now I want you to go over it again. This time, some real eccentric just appears out of nowhere on the street and makes some kind of strange comment, from which you cannot make a head or a tail. (Okay.) And again he asks, you know, “well, can you say more about this?” Or: “how exactly?” or something like that. And he just gets the verbal salad back, you know; this is a schizophrenic who just got out of the hospital or something. And when you shoot a film about what kind of pictures it has and that you can remember what just happened, it just doesn’t match at all. (Right.) And at some point you say, “thank you, but no, thank you,” or “I’m sorry,” or something like that. You make a concerted effort to figure out what the person means, and if there is any real information in it – or is it just an insult that comes from their own inner space, in which case you can safely brush it off, because that you don’t have him – (Karl: It’s not worth it.) It’s not worth it because he doesn’t have the information you want to use to change your behavior in the future, right? Karl: You won’t learn anything. Correctly. Okay, now, watching this Karl go through it all, I I understand that this is really nice. Is that so? (Very good.) Does it look nice? (Looks pretty.) Are there any problems with any part of this? Is there any part of this that you would like to correct in some way or about which you have any concerns? ..
Karl: The only thing I just … I want this to happen. I want to be there. I don’t want to be dissociated! (laugh) Well, this is the next step. But everything looks good there, right? (Not a problem.) Okay, great. Okay, gradually reach out and beckon that person over there (Steve demonstrates how he stretches out his arms and then slowly returns them to his chest), and very gradually, at your own speed, just bring him to you and make him completely a part of you. (Karl reaches out and brings the other Karl back. When he does this, there are many non-verbal shifts — deeper breathing, color changes, etc. — which indicate powerful integration with more feelings.) …. take a couple of minutes. to take it all in. … … … just stay there for a while. … … … (Karl wipes his eyes.) This is very important to you, isn’t it? (Karl nods.) I’m glad you came here. It’s good. … So you just take a little time to be there for a while and just let it all settle down. Take as much time as you like. I’m going to go through all this with the group, and you just be there. Okay, do you have any questions? You can take a look at the outline sheet if you like. OK. Dee: well, either I missed it, or something else, but you didn’t make him do it, which I saw when someone he really cared, respected, admired, and was really close, told him something totally tasteless, tasteless and vicious. When you are in a small group, make sure they do it with you. (laugh) Dee: good. Well, I mean, it’s okay, if any clown comes up to you, you go (she shrugs) “Who cares?” But if someone you care about does it, it is not easy to accept. This is completely different, right. Now he really chose someone from his family— Karl: This is where I started. So he really started with something like that. Karl: Because, you know, for me, this was the hardest — it was the hardest for me, and I was not angry with the person who gave it to me. I was angry with myself for not being able to answer it the way I would like. And as for my own family, I know that they love me first, and in their eyes it is constructive. Just the way I took it, you know. I would automatically rethink myself in what I do and automatically just say, “Yes, I’m such a rotten person.” And so I knew that their intentions were good .; that’s how I reacted to it. And be able to dissociate and watch me dissociate. Dee: good. But you would feel the same way if what they said – as you said, “Oh, yes, I see that it really is.” Suppose it is completely not valid for you. It might be for them, and they might think so, but it is completely unreal for you that it is true. Would you feel the same? Karl: how did I look at it like this? Yes. I am protected. Earlier, in the past, it just went right into me. (Karl points to the middle of his chest.) But the ability to see what they are telling me in the picture and have this dissociation is like a quick cure for a phobia, it allows you to experience something and be separate from it, so you don’t need to associate and feel like crap about this. (Accept this physiologically.) – That’s it. You can tell me anything right now if you want, and we can check it out. Dee: Well, I have nothing to tell you. I’ve taught this many times, but you really were the slowest. (Karl looks up and smiles.) This is a test. This is called testing, right?
Dee: I thought he was the most touching. It hit me right in the heart. If there is any particular situation, Dee, that always turns you on or something, I recommend that you not use her as the first thing to go over it. Because when you first learn to drive, you don’t get in your car and drive straight to Le Mans or Daytona Beach or whatever – you learn, hopefully, on a dirt road or a football field or something like that. But be sure to use it with what is most difficult for you to criticize, be it your boss, spouse, child, or anyone else. Be sure to use it at some point, after you’ve acquired some fluency with different steps, because otherwise you might get stuck in one step and the whole thing could fall apart. Check it out by all means. And I agree with what I think is the purpose of your comment: “Well, you know, this can work on some things, but what about the ones that are really tough?” Do it on the coolest by all means. It works if you actually set up the system, because the strategy — just like quickly curing a phobia — sets up this dissociation so you can watch it all there. One of the nice things about this installation method is if you screw up there. Karl: you are protected from this. You are protected. You can just watch it, and then you can just back up the movie and say ok, and you do some adjustments, and then run it forward again, so– Karl: You have complete control no matter what happens. Follow-up interview So it’s been about two weeks now. So tell your people about it. Karl: Well, after the criticism strategy was established, several people here — from clear blue skies — just walk up to me and call me an asshole and all, and then start laughing because they were just trying to test it, but— So it wasn’t a very good test, right? Karl: No, the real world is where it needed to be done. And in my work I never realized this before, but I go to people’s houses and take pictures of the equipment that my company installed there. And when I take it off, it leaves holes in their walls, and everywhere. And they originally signed a contract that we are not responsible or anything like that. I am the person that is there, and I am the one at whom they shout and shout. I never thought before that it would bother me, you know, unconsciously. But when this happened in the last two weeks, I automatically took a step back (Karl’s body moved back slightly), and I am doing this right now because I remember it. And when it first starts to happen, it will happen consciously, and I will see it, and decide whether it’s worth it or not, and move on. And the more it happened, the faster it became. So the people I work with, they just hooked it up really well for me. So I almost rebuilt. It was like, “Keep up the good work, man! It’s great for me, ” The bigger, the better. (Yes.) This is how it works. When you install a new system, the more it works, the more automatic it becomes. Now, you deliberately said that you would take a step back. That was what you consciously noticed, right? (Right.) Not that you consciously think about it, right? Karl: no, no, no. It happened by itself. A couple of times while driving — I drive a lot — I would cut someone off, and that worked very well there too. (laughter) especially, you know, in the past I’ve always said, “oh, I’m a terrible driver,” and then if it was justified, I would say, “Yes, well, next time I have to do a little better. ” Good. For a moment, I was even scared that I had turned you into a lousy driver. Karl: I think the best test was yesterday. I cut my hair and felt very good. I thought it looked pretty good and went home, only to my parents. I don’t live there, but I just went to see them. And I said: “I cut my hair, mom,” and she looked at me and asked: “What about my back?” – because usually I have a full haircut. And she was serious, you know, “what about the back?” And then: a step back, “is it justified?” ” “no”. it was really powerful. And whatever it was with her — the family scene — and whatever I planned, it was totally unconscious, and it was really powerful. So I was successful. Okay, thanks a lot. Karl: Thanks. (We now have the next 15 years after this session; Karl still responds well to criticism, and he taught this process to his children as well.)
Process overview 1. Set the strategy to a dissociated state. “Ann. look at yourself there in front of you. That Ann was about to learn to respond to criticism in a new way: “Do whatever it takes to keep dissociated. “You can see Ann as far away as you want, or in black and white, and you can put a plexiglass barrier in front of you if that helps you stay here as an observer.” Always use pronouns and location words such as “she, there” to maintain this distance and dissociation. Be sure to watch for non-verbal manifestations of dissociation. When Karl first came here, he began to see himself there, and then his shoulders and head came back, which was a good sign that he was becoming more completely dissociated. So make sure the client looks different when dissociated than when connected. Some people will prefer to use auditory dissociation — hearing themselves on a tape recorder elsewhere in space — or very rarely even kinesthetic dissociation — to feel with their fingertips elsewhere in space. You can also use the “as if” frame or vague language for people who are not consciously visualizing: “imagine you can see yourself there.” “Feel like you are behind a plexiglass shield.” 2. To distance yourself from criticism. “This Ann is about to be criticized. Watch and listen as she immediately dissociates herself from criticism. ” She has different ways to do this. One way is for that Ann over there to see her being criticized. Another way for her is to print the words of criticism in space at arm’s length, or she can step out of her body and see herself receiving criticism. If simple dissociation alone is not enough to keep this Ann in front of you in a resourceful state, try some other supportive submodal shifts. Let this Ann make this dissociated picture of criticism smaller, farther, more transparent, dimmer, or any other shift in submodality that will diminish her reaction enough. Dissociation prevents the immediate bad feelings that so many people have, and it also provides the objective perspective needed to take the next step. 3. Make a dissociated view of the content of the criticism. “Watch Ann make a film about what the critic says.” Again, that Anne can make this view smaller and further so that she can maintain the resource state. Some people make such big, bright and close pictures of the “terrible” thing they did that it is very difficult for them to maintain a resource state. She can push him far enough to feel comfortable, but still see him clearly. Before you can appreciate criticism, you must understand it. What does this person mean? If someone says, “You are twenty minutes late; Now we have to either rush or be late for the movies ”, you can easily make a fairly detailed internal representation of this information in all major representational systems. However, criticism is often too vague to understand well. If someone says, “You’re a skunk,” or “you’re inattentive,” Ann will have to gather more specific information to know exactly what the critic means. Before asking for more information, it’s always helpful to nudge the critic in some way: “I’m concerned that you think I’m a skunk,” “I appreciate your honesty about this,” “I’m sorry I upset you,” etc. Then you may ask: “What exactly did I do that was inattentive?” “Make sure Ann continues to gather information until she can clearly and thoroughly present criticism across all major representational systems.”
4. Evaluate criticism by gathering information when necessary. “Watch Ann as she compares her view of the criticism with all the other information she has about the situation to see if they match or not.” The easiest and most direct way to do this is to ask Ann to repeat her own films that she remembers and compare them with the critics’ film. It can also launch films about an event from a variety of perspectives, including that of a critic, observer, or other relevant person. If she has comments from other observers, they can also be helpful in assessing whether the criticism contains valid, useful information. If there is a complete mismatch between memory and criticism, she may need to go back to step 2 and gather more information about the criticism. For example, she may not have realized that when the critic said she was “screaming” and “ranting,” he meant that the volume and pitch of her voice increased by 10%, which is something he is very sensitive to from – for the history of violence. If, after collecting information many times, there is still a complete inconsistency, it may be time for her to conclude that she simply disagrees. The critic may hallucinate or otherwise generate experience internally. His comments are not really about her, but about herself, her past history, etc. Of course, it is also possible that she may have amnesia for what he is talking about, or that her point of view is so different that she have not yet found a way to understand the critic. Depending on the situation, she might not want to continue working on understanding. Usually there is at least some overlap between this Ann’s presentation and the critic. When this is true, she can recognize the parts that match and ask for more information about the parts that she does not yet understand. When these two views coincide, it is tantamount to saying that according to her best information — and the more she has, the better! —Criticism is accurate backward information that she needs to know about. 5. Decide on the answer. “Watch Ann as she decides what she wants to do.” so far, her only reaction to criticism has been pacing and gathering information. Now is the time for an answer, even if it is just a universal answer, such as: “Thank you for bringing this to my attention; I’ll have to seriously think about it. ” Anne’s response will depend on who she is as a person — her results, criteria, values — as well as the context and the criticism itself. She may want to offer an apology or even some kind of compensation for what she did. On the other hand, if her intention was to annoy the critic, a simple “you got my message” might be appropriate. If there is a complete inconsistency, she can answer simply: “This is certainly not the way I remember it.” if his point of view is a possible interpretation of her behavior, she may say, “This is certainly not the message I wanted to convey, but I see how you could understand it this way. What I set out to do was Y ”and clear up the misunderstanding. “Watch Ann as she completes her chosen answer.” 6. Try to change your behavior in the future. – Ask yonder Ann: “Do you want to use the information you got from this criticism to act differently in the future?” “If so, watch Ann choose new behavior (s) and the future — steps of new behavior ( s). In step five, you watched Ann respond to criticism in the “present.” At this stage, you watch Ann decide if she wants to change her behavior in order to get a different reaction from the critic or other people in the future. If she really wants to be different in the future, then now is the time for her to choose or create new behaviors and in the future adjust them to the appropriate contexts. If she doesn’t have time at the moment, she can take a moment to be careful.
Take Steve Andreas – Responding to Criticism (1988) at Whatstudy.com
More Info: Click to preview
Course Features
- Lectures 0
- Quizzes 0
- Duration Lifetime access
- Skill level All levels
- Language English
- Students 189
- Assessments Yes
1 Comment
“Welcome to Whatstudy.com Shop. We collect all online courses and put here for you to find the way
to improve verything in your life. Hopefully to serve you here. Thank you!”